REMO WILLIAMS: THE ADVENTURE BEGINS - Tommy Shaw - "Unarmed And Dangerous" (1985)

One good thing about being a Neanderthal, nobody expects you to justify anything, and tonight's feature is a case in point! Welcome to Weirdass Wendesday down in The Dungeon!

 I don't normally venture off into the 80's, I usually leave that up to Tabonga, but I'm making an exception tonight! Upon recommendation from a reader and frequent commenter named Grant, I just started reading "Created The Destroyer" by Warren Murphy and Richard Sapir this last weekend while on a 6 hour road trip, so after getting about a quarter of the way through the book, I thought it would be interesting to see what the movie was like! Wow! I wasn't ready for this!

 Fred (THE RIGHT STUFF) Ward is Remo Williams! In the book, he goes to the electric chair for a murder he didn't commit, and in the movie he gets pushed off the end of a pier and drowns! It seemed to me that the only thing the book and the movie had in common was the name of Remo Williams, period!

He thought he was dead, and when he is revived, he no longer officially exists or looks the same!

Wilford (The Thing) Brimley is Harold Smith, one of three guys who know what's going on! Wilford got a comparatively late start in the movies, he didn't step in front of the camera for the first time until he was 35 in "True Grit!" A good thing about writing about 80's movies instead of 60's movies is that a lot more people involved are still alive, even the old ones!

Joel (Cabaret) Grey is the Master Chiun, Remo Williams' teacher, and according to the book, I don't think he'd like this movie at all! I would rather imagine that Joel Grey was chosen for this role because as a dancer he has the ability to move like a cat!

Kate Mulgrew has the role of Major Rayner Fleming, the closest thing there is to a love interest in this film! Rayner? Really? Kate is currently riding high in her colourful role as Red on "Orange Is The New Black!"

The vigorous and endless training of Remo Williams goes on and on! You really get the feeling that they expected this to turn into a whole series of films, so they wanted to get all the groundwork in place once and for all and move on! The Ferris Wheel sequence is not for anybody with the slightest case of acrophobia or even a rational fear of heights!!

While at Coney Island Chiun wins a stuffed animal by throwing rings onto the necks of Coke bottles! He makes sure to let Remo know that he won it, and that it's his! I give this movie credit for that much, it does have some funny moments!

More good stuff! Chiun likes to relax by watching soap operas on TV! Something that he considers the only TRUE art form in America! Remo doesn't get it!

Chiun has had Remo on a strict diet consisting mostly of rice! When Remo brings home some canned food, Chiun tells him that it would be healthier to eat the can than the contents!

J.A. (Body Heat) Preston has the role of Conn MacCleary, the third cog in the gear box that is the organization! Conn asks Chiun when he thinks Remo Williams will be ready, and Chiun tells him that he's finally making some progress, maybe 15 years!

Remo thought this jerk was just some rude ass on the streets of New York, but as it turns out, he is the associate of the guy that Remo needs to take out, and this whole incident is going to make him very angry!

Talk about your basic case of severe decadent opulence!

To help him fight his fear of heights, Chiun takes Remo to the site of the Statue of Liberty that just happens to be getting a badly needed facelift! Unfortunately, this just turns into an excellent opportunity for the opposing forces to try and put Remo out of commission forever!

 Now this is a cool shot! I expected Batman to show up at any given second! This is also a good place to tell you that Remo's theme song was written and performed by Tommy Shaw of Styx fame and good fortune, and boy does it sound like it! Here's just a taste of what you're in for!

 I'm giving a big thumbs up to the guys in the 'Explosives' department on this movie!

In the 'Bad Karma Department,' what happens to this guy could have been a lot worse!

 Mucho macho impotent olde farts like big guns!!!

"Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins" but unfortunately it never continued! It was bad, it was stupid, but I would have been up for another round! If you want to check it out for yourself, I don't get it, but it streams for free on YouTube! I can't figure these things out, maybe you can! One thing though, "Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins" is over two hours long, you might want to take a day off from work! Personally, I'm going to go back and finish reading the book!

THE SECRET ADVENTURES OF TOM THUMB / BBC Bristol - 1993

It's Time For Tabonga, here at The Dungeon!.. A pal of mine sent me this wild 'n' weird little flick to check out, so, here it is for all of us to enjoy! It has an ERASERHEAD feel to it and is filled with some very interesting creatures and characters, using stop motion animation.

At the start, you get a glimpse of this artificial inseminoid serum in a big flask...

It's added to both male and female hormones, then zapped with an electric charge!... Viola!

Eegah!! sent over a nice little sound clip for our earjoyment, sooooo, you can push the big red 'GO' button located there next to the giant thumb, NOW, Rufus The Gnat!.. Here's a taste of... THE SECRET ADVENTURES OF TOM THUMB!

Pa and Ma Thumb give thanks for their blessed event, the addition of little Tom to the family.

Tom is kidnapped and ends up in a genetic lab (like Plum Island) where he wanders around inspecting all the amazing machines and equipment therein.

Everywhere you look, poor animals and things are being tortured and experimented on if only to satisfy the craven needs of the ones responsible for the abominations.

Tom doesn't really know what to make of it all... He just knows, it ain't right!

The boogie man shows up in the form of a doctor from Hell! The dude's wearing his gear and mask because he's not about to contract any of the crap he's spreading in the lab, no way, heaven forbid!!

Tom barely escapes down a drain and ends up in a world of curious little people,

A giant comes stomping his way through the mini town and crushes houses and little ones!

Pa Thumb shows up in a vision to remind Tom that he needs to make his way back home.

Tom and his little warrior friend search out the machine that controls everything, then, the friend breaks and disables the controlling element...

Tom is now back with his parents as a normal child and the moment is filled with the strongest force in the universe... LOVE! Tune in Wednesday when Eegah!! has yet another weird flick for us to check out!

BEHIND LOCKED DOORS - "The Human Gorilla" (1948)

Hey everybody, and welcome to yet another rousing round of Saturday Night Classics in The Dungeon! I like "Behind Locked Doors" a lot! It's a good story with a solid cast, and it's just over an hour long, which is a good thing for people with short attention spans like myself!

I honestly thought that the title was "Human Gorilla," but as it turns out, that was just an alternate title used when it was re-issued, to try and spice it up a bit! Gorilla was a good buzz word back in the day!

What a lovely couple! Richard Carlson as Private Investigator Ross Stewart, and Lucille Bremer as Investigative Reporter Kathy Lawrence!! It seems there's a dirty Judge hiding out in a local sanitarium, and Kathy wants to hire Ross to act like he's nuts to get inside and see if the Judge is really in there! There's a $10,000.00 reward for anybody spotting the Judge, so that's a cool five thousand apiece, which was a pretty nice chunk back in 1948! Since he just opened his office, and he hasn't had a client yet, Ross goes for it!!

Hubba, Hubba!! This is the Judge's main squeeze Madge Bennett as played by Gwen (SENORITA OF THE WEST) Donovan in her last role, and she's been spotted going into the Nuthouse on a regular basis, and that's what's tipped off Kathy Lawrence! It cracks me up when Ross comments that she looks pretty hot, Kathy doesn't waste any time letting him know that the picture is 10 years old!

Here he is, the Super-Swedish Angel himself, Karl Oscar Tore Johansson! I find it interesting that the great Tor Johnson wasn't even originally credited in this movie, but in the re-release title "Human Gorilla," his character was obviously the main selling point, but then again, that's just how shit works!

The sadistic bastard hospital guard Larson is record producer extraordinaire Kim Fowley's Pop, Douglas Fowley! Douglas had over 300 acting credits, and at least 7 wives!  What a guy!! You watch this movie, and you will not like this man! Larson is what is commonly referred to as a despicable person, or in the vernacular, an asshole!

Here comes da Judge!! That's Judge Finlay Drake on the right as played by Herbert (BEDTIME FOR BONZO, MIRACLE ON 34TH STREET, KING OF THE COWBOYS) Heyes. Herbert's acting career went all the way back to 1915! On the left is another guy this blog couldn't exist without, Thomas Browne Henry as Dr. Clifford Porter, the guy running the whole joint! Was Thomas in every cool 50's Sci-Fi and horror film ever made? It seems quite possible! Here's a short but truly unbelievable list: "Earth Vs. The Flying Saucers," "20 Million Miles To Earth," "Beginning Of The End," "The Brain From Planet Arous," "Blood Of Dracula," "Space Master X-7," "The Thing That Couldn't Die," and "How To Make A Monster!"

The only way for them to get Ross into this place was for Kathy and Ross to pretend that they were married, so on visitation days, Ross plays it to the hilt, while Kathy is less invigorated! While she feigns interest, he is actually going crazy, crazy for her, that is!!

Sneaking around in the dark at night looking for clues is not going to do anything but get Ross in big trouble!!

Richard Carlson is in our Sci-Fi/Horror Hall Of Fame without a doubt for obvious reasons like "The Magnetic Monster," "It Came From Outer Space," "The Maze," "Riders To The Stars," and "Creature From The Black Lagoon!" Perky Lucille Bremer was only on the big screen 10 times before she hung it up after she got married! Lucille was really a dancer, and was mostly in musicals with people like Fred Astaire and Judy Garland! In 1948 she met and married Abalardo Louis Rodriguez, a Mexican Millionaire and lived happily, and richly ever after until 1996 when she passed away at the age of 79!! I like her in this movie, it's a shame she didn't do more!

Here's something you sure as Hell don't see anymore! In 1973 matchbooks were federally mandated to move the striker to the back citing reasons of safety! I think one life has been saved because of that ruling! Ross Stewart has finally come up with a plan! He gives a book of matches to an inmate who has work duty access in the locked wards, and who is also a firebug! After the fire gets started it flushes out the Judge into the open where he can be seen!

While dousing the fire, Ross Stewart gets his first look at the Judge, and yep, that's him all right!

Unfortunately the Judge also spots Ross Stewart looking at him, and realizes his hiding place is no longer a secret! Time to take some action!

Now they only have one choice! They have to kill Ross Stewart, and even though Dr. Porter wants to have nothing to do with murder, the Judge easily convinces him that if they don't, then the good Doctor will surely be going to jail! Dr. Porter has that great line, "I was crazy to let you ever come here!"

Ross Stewart is unceremoniously thrown into a cell deep in the locked ward where nobody can find him until they figure out what to do with him!

In the meantime, his wife is told by the Doctor that she can't see him for some trumped up reason! It's right here that I called bullshit on this movie because she knows there's bad things going on, and there would be no possible reason in the world why she wouldn't have said "NO!" and demanded to see him! She got him into this mess, and I just don't believe she would have accepted this! She was too smart and sassy!!

They figured out a nice easy plan! Larson will put Ross Stewart in the cell with the punch drunk champ! That ought to take care of him, no problemo!

I really thought something would turn around at this point! Maybe Ross could talk to the Champ, or maybe he wasn't so bad of a guy after all, but Nope, he just kicks Ross's ass from one side of the cell to the other with Larson watching through the window and enjoying the show immensely!

But in the end, everybody gets their just rewards, Kathy Lawrence busts Ross out by sneaking in as the Judge's girlfriend, and in the commotion, dumbass Larson leaves The Champ's cell door open, and when Tor catches up with him, he tosses his tormentor off the top of a flight of stairs! On the 'Didn't Fall Asleep' meter, "Behind Locked Doors" gets a 10 from me, and that's hard to beat!!